Tuesday, November 28, 2006


And that, my friends, is always the way it goes. It starts simply, like changing the blood sugar reminder on my pump from 2 ½ hours to nothing just once. Then it defaults to that and maybe checking after a meal is not as important anymore… and then it slides from before and after every meal checks to just before meals and bedtime. And then maybe just some meals…. The guess and bolus effect. I know it’s not the best way to do things, but sometimes I just can’t get myself to do what I need to do for me, while doing what I must do in the rest of life. When I did check, it was generally ok… that should be good enough, right? I have a severe mental block about taking my thyroid medications and cant seem to get back on a schedule that encourages my taking it everyday… I am sure, that as life gets more complex, it gets harder.

It seems that when one thing slips, it’s like a downward spiral. I totally change my health habits. As I started to test less and less, I found myself eating those extra helpings, even though I know I don’t really need it. I became less interested in checking in on your blogs everyday. Not that I didn’t care or wonder how everyone was, it was just a reminder that so many of you were following the trail I wanted to be on, but had just lost my way.

The excuses are numerous. We sold our house, moved into temporary housing and looked at over 70 homes before we found one that was “it.” My husband had some crazy travels with work (NY, Germany and Japan all the month before we closed on the new house) We had a car stop running so badly that our only recourse was to donate it to charity. My grandfather, at the age of 91, passed away. We got 2 new cars. Our 13 year old “Shannon Dog” was hospitalized and made what we think is a miraculous recovery from “old age issues” and is happily snoozing on our front porch again. I am sure that many of you have had the same experience. The true priorities of life get skewed just in the slightest bit, so that finding an oil company so we can heat our house becomes more important than counting my carbs. (not that the 2 really have anything to do with each other in the first place… but when you’re looking for an excuse… almost any will do)

We had decided a while back that this summer we will be trying to start having a family that includes more than just us and Shannon Dog. THIS summer. Agh. Time to get back into sound diabetes shape. My A1c’s are still “just fine’ according to the Dr’s, but I know I could and should be doing better. Just as easily as I slid down the noncompliant slope, I will start to climb back on board with you all. It is always harder to go up hill and climb back on the wagon. They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step.

“Hi, my name is caren, and I have been a noncompliant diabetic”

While unpacking the numerous boxes in our house, and putting fresh and colorful paint on the walls, I will also unpack my pump and testing supplies and try to view them with a fresh outlook and a renewed commitment. …. I will always set my “check your blood sugar” reminder. I will stop treating feelings (oh, I’m 120 and feeling low so I should just eat something now to prevent the low… which always makes me go up to 180 when I probably would have been just fine. ) I will leave my pill case in a place where I will see it, and rather than brush it into a drawer, I will take my little yellow friend, and go on with my day.

The trick to diabetes is that it’s always there, forever, which some days seems like a longer time than others…. But I don’t need to tell you all that.

(bzzzz bzzzz bzzzzz)
(My pump Bonnie thinks that beeping is so “1980’s” so we communicate on vibrate mode….

I’m off to go check… which me luck with getting back on track…


Blogger Kelsey said...

I'm glad you're back Caren!

1:12 PM  
Blogger Kassie said...

Falling off the diabetes wagon - it's a pretty frequent thing for me. I try to keep the 'off' times as short as possible. Try is the key word in that statement.

Nice to see you again :)

4:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good to see you back! I'm right behind you, Caren - let us know what you need.

4:27 PM  
Blogger art-sweet said...

I know the feeling of thinking that everyone else has their diabetes act together and feeling ashamed to "show your face" in public because of it.

Believe me, we don't. Or at least, I don't. Because I just turned the two hour reminder back on today. After having it off for several months. You are not alone.

8:17 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

WB Caren :)..

It's funny you posted this- I wrote a post recently that was similar in subject. Basically, I was (and still am) debating whether I fully accept my Diabetes or if I'm iiving in Denal. I think if someone asked me that question, my instinct would be to say "no, of course not, I'm well aware that I have this disease." But then I look back at some of my past behaviors recently and think my actions apeak louder than words.

Truthfully, I don't really know the answer to that question- what I do know is there have been many times in the recent past that it's has seemed so easy to pretend like I am just like everyone else. In other words, I seem to forget about myself being insulin challenged, so to speak. I know I can't keep pretending though... I think that's only lead to problems down the line.

So I'm starting to become more aware and conscious of my tendency to do this. And I'm hoping setting small goals and taking small steps will eventually put me back in control.

My advice to you would be not to set your expectations too high or expect too much too fast. Most likely it will take take to achieve what you want to achieve... But if you keep your goal in mind, I'm sure there's nothing you can't achieve.

hang in there ;)

10:41 PM  
Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

Welcome back!

You have had a LOT going on recently, and I don't think any of us keep on track with so many things happening.

The fact that you recognize that you are not where you want to be is a strong sign though - so much better than being broadsided by an unexpected high A1C or something.

And yes, it is so very hard to start pushing that big snowball of bad momentum UP the hill, but it works just as well in the good direction, once you reach the top and it's got gravity it's not quite so hard anymore.

12:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Caren,

I cannot say welcome back b/c I wasn't in the OC before, but I have been reading the blogs for ages so I have really wondered where you had disappeared to. I stopped leeching and opened my own blog this week. It isn't an excuse when we say it is hard to manage D when our lives are filled with all sorts of other things. It IS the truth. So don't beat yourself up for past - just get on with the future. I really do think that what you have had to deal with has been "enough" even without the D.

8:19 AM  

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