Information Chill Pill
In front of me were some people that had a much larger impact on my life than they will probably know. They were the counselors and leaders of camp when I was just a child. As I grew up and learned how to be a teenager with diabetes, I watched them become women with diabetes. It was their style and grace that made me so confident that I would end up where I am. A healthy adult woman, loving my life. Although, style and grace may be romanticizing it a bit- the first one that came back to camp and told us that she was pregnant was serenaded by a good old round of Salt ‘n Peppa “push it” at the camp dance. With the short 80’s shorts and tube socks, I remember it well.
I stood there, with my mediocre A1c and ‘good enough’ attempts for close control, as is so common with the ‘just out of college’ crowd. I listened as these women told of how Dr. Younger supported them through pregnancy and diabetes. As the tears started to flow, a light bulb clicked on. That life time ‘lesson’ that is diabetes management- I need to take care of my self now, so that I can be a mom (or whatever I want) when it’s right. Ever since that day, I’ve had what I consider excellent control. (Not freakishly tight, but a nice place that my Dr and I are comfortable with)
Fast forward 8 years, 2 serious boyfriends, 9 apartments and 1 car later….
It was all coming together. I had the wonderful husband, my prefect wedding, we bought a ‘family friendly’ house and then I started reading. And reading and reading and stressing and stressing and stressing. I was convinced that I’d be on bed rest for 6 months, and I’d live on nothing but pre-measured salads and water. I, as I have done more than once, worked myself into an internal panic. I need to know more - and the more I read on the scary internet - the worse I felt. It was all topped off when my well intentioned sister-in-law asked “you’re not going to die if you have a baby, are you?” I told her to return Steel Magnolias and never watch it again, and no, nor am I going to spill OJ all over me in the beauty salon, or have an armadillo cake. I could feel my panic taking over my rational mind.
The ultimate problem is that this was the one time in my life that my diabetes was going to dictate what I could do. I don't do very well when I can't do what I want. I wasn’t ready to deal with myself if we were ready for a baby, except my diabetes out of whack. I don’t think that I was ready to deal with how quickly my mind wanted to control the situation. I was calm and collected on the outside, but quickly unraveling inside.
I had my annual appointment with my lady parts doctor. I asked her a slew of questions, so she referred me to a high risk ob- just to talk. I felt silly going in to ask questions, but I went anyway.
Why did I beat myself up about this? Why did I let these women’s experiences in the Midwest so skew my reality. If my A1c was 5.0, not only would I be rich as hell for having cured diabetes, but I’d probably be hospitalized for uncontrolled lows.
The best thing that I got, was the information chill pill from Dr Espesito. The facts, plain and simple. It’s not so scary when you lay it all out. He said I was “good to go” any time.
And this summer, after our trip to California - cause as I told my friend, I want a baby, but not more than I want wine in Napa in July. We’ll think about it. Just like everyone else in the world – and deal with whatever comes along just like we always do.