baby steps...

Thank you

No, really, thank you so much for the comments and support everyone. It really means a lot to me to know that it’s not just me and “bonnie” against diabetes. Rock on OC, rock on...

When I was a kid I was so afraid to admit when I wasn’t 100% on the ball with my diabetes care. I used to hide my blood sugar results from anyone and everyone, because “I had it under control and it was my problem” luckily the thinking of the diabetes community, and my own self acceptance has let me share with other people and bring in the support I need.

I cleaned out a section of our bathroom last night and got an organizer for my pump stuff. It made changing it this morning just a little quicker and easier. (we still have boxes everywhere and locating the mimimed section of brown boxes was easier said than done. Although I did find a box of shoes that I was looking for!) I also got a little pill case and put my non-insulin drugs in my purse, that way if I forget to take them before I leave the house, I am not skipping them for the day. Hopefully that will get me back on track.

Taking them this morning I remembered the last time I was at my endo. I figured that at 30 years old, I had to own up to the fact that I just wasn’t taking them as often as I should. I always took my insulin, isn't that good enough? I knew the “oh s*it, I have an appointment next week” motivator and taking them for a few days before I go visit the vampires in the lab just doesn’t cut it. I talked to my doctor about missing my pills, and his response defines why I really enjoy going to see him.

He starts off each meeting with a “how have YOU been” we rarely dive right into diabetes management. We talk about my job or a recent trip or how his kids are doing in college. And then ease into the “details.”

Eventually I owned up.

“Well, you see, I have not been good at taking my little yellow pill and my little white pills everyday”

“Ok, well, can you think of ways we can help make that easier for you” replied my supportive and not overbearing yet motivating doctor.

We thought of a variety of things and discussed it before he brought my lab results up on the screen. We both looked at the numbers and I didn’t have to ask what they meant. They were up since I was not taking my wonder drugs.

He just smiled at me and said, “well, at least we know they work”

Somewhere is my blood stream swimming around today are those little wonder pills…. Work away little guys, work away.

Confession....

And that, my friends, is always the way it goes. It starts simply, like changing the blood sugar reminder on my pump from 2 ½ hours to nothing just once. Then it defaults to that and maybe checking after a meal is not as important anymore… and then it slides from before and after every meal checks to just before meals and bedtime. And then maybe just some meals…. The guess and bolus effect. I know it’s not the best way to do things, but sometimes I just can’t get myself to do what I need to do for me, while doing what I must do in the rest of life. When I did check, it was generally ok… that should be good enough, right? I have a severe mental block about taking my thyroid medications and cant seem to get back on a schedule that encourages my taking it everyday… I am sure, that as life gets more complex, it gets harder.

It seems that when one thing slips, it’s like a downward spiral. I totally change my health habits. As I started to test less and less, I found myself eating those extra helpings, even though I know I don’t really need it. I became less interested in checking in on your blogs everyday. Not that I didn’t care or wonder how everyone was, it was just a reminder that so many of you were following the trail I wanted to be on, but had just lost my way.

The excuses are numerous. We sold our house, moved into temporary housing and looked at over 70 homes before we found one that was “it.” My husband had some crazy travels with work (NY, Germany and Japan all the month before we closed on the new house) We had a car stop running so badly that our only recourse was to donate it to charity. My grandfather, at the age of 91, passed away. We got 2 new cars. Our 13 year old “Shannon Dog” was hospitalized and made what we think is a miraculous recovery from “old age issues” and is happily snoozing on our front porch again. I am sure that many of you have had the same experience. The true priorities of life get skewed just in the slightest bit, so that finding an oil company so we can heat our house becomes more important than counting my carbs. (not that the 2 really have anything to do with each other in the first place… but when you’re looking for an excuse… almost any will do)

We had decided a while back that this summer we will be trying to start having a family that includes more than just us and Shannon Dog. THIS summer. Agh. Time to get back into sound diabetes shape. My A1c’s are still “just fine’ according to the Dr’s, but I know I could and should be doing better. Just as easily as I slid down the noncompliant slope, I will start to climb back on board with you all. It is always harder to go up hill and climb back on the wagon. They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step.

“Hi, my name is caren, and I have been a noncompliant diabetic”

While unpacking the numerous boxes in our house, and putting fresh and colorful paint on the walls, I will also unpack my pump and testing supplies and try to view them with a fresh outlook and a renewed commitment. …. I will always set my “check your blood sugar” reminder. I will stop treating feelings (oh, I’m 120 and feeling low so I should just eat something now to prevent the low… which always makes me go up to 180 when I probably would have been just fine. ) I will leave my pill case in a place where I will see it, and rather than brush it into a drawer, I will take my little yellow friend, and go on with my day.

The trick to diabetes is that it’s always there, forever, which some days seems like a longer time than others…. But I don’t need to tell you all that.

(bzzzz bzzzz bzzzzz)
(My pump Bonnie thinks that beeping is so “1980’s” so we communicate on vibrate mode….

I’m off to go check… which me luck with getting back on track…